You Allow Your Parents to Influence How You Raise Your Children?
Over the years I've worked with a number of clients who feel anxious
around the real or perceived disapproval of their parenting, from
their parents. They feel a certain amount of shame that their children's
behavior isn't living up to their expectations. They feel pressure
to toilet train their two year old because their parent is saying
things like: "Shouldn't he be using the potty by now?' or "You should
spank her when she does that" or "You kids never acted like that".
It doesn't matter how old we are, we still yearn for our parent's
approval. We somehow think if our kids are misbehaving, we've disappointed
them by not being the parent they think we should be. We want so
badly for them to be proud of our kid's accomplishments and be able
to brag to their friends how polite, accomplished and well-behaved
they are. We're adults but there is still a child in us wanting
to make our parents proud.
When my kids were small there were many times I would be squirming
when my parents would come to visit or when we were at their house.
Lots of times they were noisy, when I know my dad wanted quiet.
Often they wouldn't engage in conversation when one of my parents
was asking them something. Sometimes there would be persistent whining
that I knew would be grating on their nerves. My mom thought I should
have stopped breast-feeding long before I did. When they became
young teenagers I often cringed when "conversation" was limited
to single words. I've had words of disapproval around the amount
of driving I've done for my kids.
I've learned over the years to let go of the anxiety and just believe
my husband and I are doing what is best for our kids. I have to
remind myself that how we choose to raise them is no one's business
but ours. Just because someone has a lot more experience than you
in something doesn't make their way the right way.
One thing our parents don't understand is that their "constructive
criticism" or "suggestions" don't inspire us to be better parents.
We're left feeling inadequate and that we don't quite measure up.
We want their support and encouragement, just as we did when we
I have learned that the more I like myself and trust in my intuition,
the less I am affected by any perceived or real criticism. When
we feel confident and believe in ourselves, we exude that confidence
which is picked up by the people around us, including our parents.
Remember how you raise your children is no one's business but yours.
If you and your partner choose to seek the advice and support of
an outside person, that is to be your decision and no one else's.
There will always be some decisions you make that your parents will
question, but that's OK.
Barbara Desmarais is a Parenting and Life Coach and mother to two
teenagers. She coaches parents privately over the phone and is a
speaker on parenting issues. Visit her website at www.theparentingcoach.com.
Email Barbara at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Article Source: www.ladypens.com